Hope

Blabber

Just to get it out of the system.

Picture this.
A sudden tight slap that rings through the head and goes through the body like an electric shock.
You stare transfixed at yourself. You wonder what catalyst may have caused you to become so terribly insensitive. And all those criticisms from the past come hurling back like ghosts.

"You turn your back at those who love you the most"
"You have become so robotic"
"How can you be so selfish?"
"You are our biggest mistake"
"I love you, and thats not easy"
"Tui khub dure achish"

The songs dont help. Neither does the alcohol.
Even work is no longer a good enough escape route.
The light is back - the one at the end of the tunnel - that signal of the coming train

I have learned to care less. And I'm scared to not care at all. I dont want to be that girl. And I cant seem to stop in this journey.
Like a zombie. Who walks. And walks. And walks. Towards that one light that pulls it. That looks like the end of the road.

I want to run into your arms Ma. But I fear the judgement.
I want to hug you Bapi. Even this black sheep of your world.

Why dont the fucking songs help?

I hate mondays the most. Its not lethargy that keeps me to this job.
I wait for the 2 days of the week to meet you - and I realise strangled I make you feel in those two days.

Its useless to run in a long desert. The mirage is so spread out that you almost pray for quicksand.
I miss Dorothy. I wish she was a person. Thank God she isnt - atleast I wont hurt her.

Ok.
Buck up.
Sit up. Straighten that spine.
List down the TTD. Focus.
1. Need Job.
2. Need Home.
3. Need money
4. Need oxygen


Bye

Insomnia

Dear Dorothy,

I think I should start meditating. you know, might ease out the thoughts and dilute the dreams.
Waking up every morning with a perspiring forehead and an uneasy breathlessness isn't something to be proud of.

I went to the ISKCON a few days back. A random lady walked up to me and said
"My dear child, God has made you so beautiful, so innocent, so simple and so pure. I am holding the Gita (the holy book of Hinduism), so I assure you I'm speaking only what I perceive as the truth. You have the gift of beauty; then why mar it with tension. Read the Gita whenever you feel tensed, it will relieve you. It will calm your senses and refresh your beauty."

I didnt know the woman.
She wasnt selling anything.
Who was she?
More importantly, why was she telling me all this?
Is it that visible on my face?

Signing off,
A.

My roommate has confiscated the sleeping pills. Hmph!

Surrender

Make love to me with your very sight.
You may ruin me in a passing delight.
You can hold me down and make me fly.
You can tear me apart, such is your might.

I may not lie, I may not sleep
If I tell you now its a dream I keep
I need you here - your breath, your smell...
I surrender myself to your gracious hell.

Keep me calm. And keep me strong.
I cannot promise nothing will go wrong.
But I give to you if you may ask
My Heart, my Mind, my Soul, my Mask...

Shonglap

Ami :
Chol.. khelbo aj monkharaper khela.
Bhebe bolish, parbi ki tui shongo amay dite?
Parbi?
Ekta golokdhadhar shupto hahakar
Muchki heshe, bina sleshe apon kore nite?

Tumi :
Parbo.
Apon kore nite toke
Monkharaper khelay.
Hariye jabo toke niye,
Sukh dukher melay;
Khujbi ki tui amay tokhon
Kaalo akash majhe,
Brishti hoye bheshe jabo,
Monkharaper bhelay

Ami :
Brishti-majhe khujbo keno?
Borsha toh mash teen,
Shara jibon chai je ami
Bahudorer reen.
Akashete khujbo keno?
Shohosro kosh dur.
Moner kone ashon 'pore
Tomar gaaner sur

P.S. I always have to have the last word. :P

More

Sometimes, nothing that you do is enough.
You could serve your dreams in a platter, and they could glance at it and stash it into the bin without a second thought, and then ask "is that all you could give?"

Running away

Hi Dorothy,

The world is whoozing past and it feels like i'm the only standing lost, tired, scared and reticent.
Everyone is sure of their destinations, or atleast their utlimate goal.

What is important? What do I want? What do they want? Can I make them happy?

Should I take a leap ... again?
Unlike all other times, this time its a giant step.
There is too much space between the two boats to ride them together - and a choice is inevitable.
But what then?
What if its a wrong step?
What if its wrong?
What if...?


Life isn't as complicated as we make it. Right?

***

Dor,
I leapt. Once more, I made that jump of faith.
I fell again.
And this time, I can stare at the wound and not wince.